Boozy bunch do boozy brunch at Mommi, Clapham

Another month, another boozy brunch. Wow, theses guys do roll round quickly don’t they! This month we were a small group and as we had to attend a bye -bye party in the area after, we chose to try Mommi’s unlimited Sunday sushi & bottomless prosecco brunch.

It all started so well…

I had my reservations when I saw the menu online, but being you know, a regular human being, I just thought the fish would be raw and fresh (they do call themselves a ‘raw bar’) and I mean, I just thought worst come to worst, it’d be like eating at a fancy Itsu. Oh, how wrong was I…this wasn’t even a fancy wasabi or tesco’s sushi (like I’d be caught dead eating that…). I mean, Grant talked about how people opened a Mexican restaurant based on how they thought Wahaca was ‘the bestest thing everest’… this was like someone opened a restaurant because they lacked taste buds and never ate anything apart from soylent green.

Waa anyone else a Futurama geek?

Let’s start with the positive. The cavassa chips were tasty. Not as good as Mcdonald’s chips or even KFC’s sad Mcdees imitation, but I’d take it.  I wasn’t sure what the green blob on them was, it’s better to ask for sauce on the side and some ketchup as it didn’t contribute anything to the chips (and made them soggy). And they were really generous with the prosecco- they offered a £5 champers upgrade for (and I quote) ‘Brut from France’ (nope, no brand, just Brut, and that it was from France- could have been a Cremant from that colourful description for all we know), so I’d just go for the prosecco and get incredibly drunk.

Literally the only edible thing on their Sunday sushi menu

Then, the rest of the food descend into madness. The rice was undercooked and crunchy- they obviously haven’t learnt that short grain should be soaked (to get rid of the starchiness) and to invest in a good rice cooker (and people laugh at the fact that I spend £20 a roll to get some decent sushi rice at Dinings). Everything was overly vinegared (ick), the ceviche was ‘overcooked’ (well, if you were going to slather it in SO MUCH vinegar you might want to take it out of the macerating liquid earlier) and I really just didn’t understand why the anemic teriyaki chicken was served on a bed of vinegared quinoa (or was it? I have no idea, everything tasted sour).

This looked so pretty! But shudders…
Where’s the salmon??
Erm, this is chicken teriyaki…

There was barely any salmon in the salmon chirashi (though at least they didn’t f*** up the soft boiled egg) and the tuna tartare tasted like something a mommy bird chewed up to give to a baby bird in desperation (because it couldn’t find any fresh fish). I cannot abide by bad tuna as it is sold as FROZEN SLABS (tuna are usually frozen on the boat, cut and sold while still frozen, well at least they are in Japan) – this is just incredibly lazy food sourcing and serving the cheapiest of cheap cuts to guests.

This is the tuna tartare?

We all hated the silver mullet nigiri-  why they decided to reinvent the wheel and serve the fish on a bed of grainy mush we’d never know. Andrew didn’t like the rolls, but I insisted on getting a ton of them because they were like Itsu’s poor cousins (and I couldn’t possibly just eat cavassa chips for brunch). There was an overabundance of raw onions everywhere (what if I wanted to kiss someone afterwards?) and all those tastefully squeezed sauce were not adding anything to the car crash.

Silver mullet on mush…
My insta skills betrays the actual taste of the rolls…

Finally, the restaurant was practically empty when we arrived (and only 1/2 full when we left), yet they insisted on sitting us at a TINY table- we won’t have minded the intimacy but they also had some asinine rule (if we understood the server properly) of having to order 2 dishes each at a time when our table barely fitted our drinks let alone a heap of dishes. I’m pretty sure Grant enjoyed the fact that I literally sat on his lap…


The only saving grace about Mommi was that they were generous with their unlimited prosecco (wait, because they had to hide the fact that their food bordered on inedible?), but even that won’t be enough to tempt me for a return visit.

Price: £19.50 for all you can eat sushi (don’t bother) +  £15 for unlimited bubbles

Mommi

44-48 Clapham High Street

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Mommi Menu, Reviews, Photos, Location and Info - Zomato

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